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hey! omgosh. it’s been a while, huh?

things are doing okay. my real life adult job is REALLY stressful, and i can’t say that i haven’t had one of those days where i just sat at my desk and just cried a little bit. so much responsibility, but i’m getting through it. i mean, october 23rd last week didn’t help, either, but that’s beyond the point. i’ve gained SO much experience by working in an urban school district, and i can’t believe how much i’ve been through already. the way that my kids lives are breaks my heart, but i’ve really learned so much already.

things with dan are okay. ugh. i feel like he’s not always as nice as i thought dan pierson was going to be to me, and it kind of hurts my feelings sometimes. i love dan, but i really wonder sometimes if we’re going to be together forever like we always thought. i just used to feel so much chemistry with him all the time, but now i just feel like our relationship has become less and less romantic. i mean, having stressful jobs and being busy DOESN’T help, but i’m not going to give up on him. he’s the only boy i ever wanted. i don’t know, it’s just real weird. growing old is tough.

but my apartment is beautiful, i have the most adorable puppy who pees in the apartment TOO often, but always on the tile so i can’t get too mad. she’s made coming home a lot more fun and makes me laugh every day. i miss my family terribly and wish they were closer, but it’s a good thing i have unlimited minutes on my phone because i spend about five hours a week on the phone with them. i’m so lucky to have such a supportive family and couldn’t be any more grateful for everything that they’ve sacrificed to provide for me and my future.

i just finished my pumpkin spice coffee and now i’m listening to iron and wine.

enjoying my day off. enjoy your tuesday!

i graduated! i know, it’s completely weird.

i’m moving 6 hours away in less than a month. i can’t even explain in words how ready i am to GO. nothing here feels right anymore. as awful as it is, my family and i aren’t even on the same page anymore and i feel like i’m just so misunderstood. it stinks. i literally have the most difficult time with friendships because it seems like my morals are so different from 99% of people my age. i have NO interest in going to a bar every night, nor do i have an interest in hooking up with random people. i also don’t have an interest in abusing drugs, staying up late or spending money on a night that i’m PROBABLY going to not even remember. all i care about is the fact that i’m so close to the job i’ve always wanted my whole entire life and all i can think about is saving money and getting ready to ACTUALLY become an adult. it just bums me out a lot. i would hope that leaving this town would be kind of difficult because i have lived here my whole life, you know? i’m not leaving anything behind that even matters, anyway.

but! i’m working full time at red robin and making great money. i mean, i’d rather NOT be doing this but all i can think about is how amazing it’s going to be when i’m financially stable in my own apartment living with the boy i’ve been in love with for my whole entire life. i can’t explain in words how grateful i am that dan is coming with me. i know our relationship hasn’t been perfect. i’ve been so one foot in/one foot out because i just have the absolute worst trust issues. but as soon as i found out that i was moving, i knew i wanted dan to come, and it surprised me. i always felt like i didn’t know if i could REALLY picture a future with dan, but as soon as the future actually came into view, i honestly can’t imagine being anywhere without him now. it’s nice to have a boyfriend who likes to go to the park with me and lay around and watch keeping up with the kardashians, and knows who i am and still likes me. even when i was 160 pounds, being a bitch, saying the worst things to him, talking to other boys, not sure who i was, and totally not a good enough girlfriend to even deserve him, he stuck around. we’re not the perfect couple, but if we can still make each other laugh and diffuse a fight in under 2 minutes and still have the chemistry we do after 5 years, i feel lucky.

it’s sunny out, so i’m going to go listen to saves the day and drive with the windows down.

bye! :0)

omgosh. so so much has changed.

so! that last post referred to dan. OBVIOUSLY. and a REALLY freaking rough spot we had for a little there. um, so i guess dan wasn’t as devastated about our break up as i was, and he actually was talking to someone else and hung out with them. and i mean, i guess it wouldn’t have been such a big deal if he would have told me about it when i asked him if he was at the time. (he didn’t) so for that reason, i was a little taken aback and upset, but let it go because he promised that they hadn’t spoken since. and i mean, CALL ME A PSYCHO. whatever. butttt! he wrote on her facebook wall and i LOST IT. LOST. IT. it brought back all the awful bs i have been through with boys and i couldn’t believe he would lie to me like that. all of a sudden, me being ever so understanding felt wrong. like, maybe he was taking advantage of me and really hadn’t told me everything that happened. honestly, i don’t mean it in any mean way, but i’m still not really sure what happened. and i really DON’T trust him. and i don’t think i ever will as much as i did before. trust is just a really weird thing, you know? if it was so easy to lie to me before, then what changed now? nothing. so i have to fight the urge to grab his phone every opportunity i get and look through it and just try to deal with it. i love him. but SHOOT. he screwed up. hardcore. and i’m really trying to get over it. but i don’t know when/if i’ll get there.

i honestly can’t even believe i’m even trying. that’s really not like me to even put up with this stuff. so uhhh. hope i’m making the right choice…right?

anyway! better news considering that was a complete bummer! uh, I GOT A JOB. i know. i can’t believe it either. during my spring break, when all my fellow college students were getting blackout wasted, i of course was only concentrating on getting a job because it’s ALL i care about so i went to job fairs! the first one i went to was a HUGE waste of time, and pretty much the only thing i got out of it was that my resume got RIPPED apart by a superintendent of a school district. but, i appreciate the feedback! i made the changes and had a pretty little resume ready for my next job fair at West Chester. honestly, i was expecting nothing out of it and wore KHAKIS to the job fair, which is like completely unacceptable, i know. but i went just to get some experience and brought 30 resumes and thought i’d try to network. well, roanoke city public school district in virginia was actually doing sit down interviews, and i of course signed up for one. i was nervous, feeling like i wouldn’t say the right things and embarrass myself, but i figured it was really good experience interviewing in a low stress, more casual environment. so i took the opportunity! honestly, i feel like i said all the worst things to say, and was blatantly honest about things that MAYBE you shouldn’t be so honest about…but i got a job! the supervisor of special education really liked me, and i was offered a contract on the spot. i’ll be making a HEFTY salary, full benefits, and have a position as a special education teacher. i think i cried about 30 times in the 4 days following that because i just couldn’t believe what i always wanted finally happened. such a nice feeling. i’m going to graduate with a position!!! i still can’t believe it. i’m gonna cry again i think. i’m so lucky that she’s willing to take a chance on me. i know i have NO experience and i seem like a gamble, but she is NOT going to regret this. i’m so excited for august. like, i can’t even stand it anymore.

but, this was a really sad/happy entry. so that’s good right? uh, idk.

my adult life = set! my 22 year old life = kind of a work in progress.
i just wish i could be where i am but REALLY have things be different between dan and i.
it makes me sick that we even have these kinds of trust issues. ugh. my relationship. trust issues. ugh.

we’ll see what happens. i just honestly hope he’s not talking to another girl right now.
because that’s literally my lurking fear EVERY WAKING MOMENT of my life anymore.

welllll, goodnight!

i feel like i’m going to THROW UP. is it too much to ask to just have a boy be HONEST WITH ME?!

i hate love.
i hate boys.
i hate relationships.
i don’t like kissing people.
i don’t like holding hands.
i don’t want affection.
i don’t want ANYTHING.
i want to be left alone.

if how all of my long term relationships are going to turn out is just like this, then NEVER MIND. i’d rather not.

i’m in no rush to do a lot of my lessons tonight, because i have a feeling a lot more of my time just opened up. i’d rather be planning lessons than bawling my eyes out and throwing up in the bathroom.

i’m back!

school has started, and miss savage is officially in the classroom teaching lessons. to begin, i LOVE teaching. i love the idea of getting to talk to kids and help them be the best that they can be and make them excited and happy about learning. i mean, i’m not the hugest fan and some of the huge attitudes, the laziness, the lack of sleep i get because of CONSTANTLY writing lesson plans, but i’ll really take all of it if i can sincerely do this for the rest of my life. i’m SO grateful. thank you, 18 year old me, for choosing this major. no confusion, no major changes, i just did it right the first time. phew!

but i’m so exhausted lately, i’m taking a break from red robin because of my completely overwhelming schedule and my whole life is spent looking up ideas for lessons. i see dan enough, usually just to sit in bed together eating snacks, and i’m content about it. i really love my life so much lately, the only haunting feeling is that i’m not going to get a job. and i can’t even think about that right now because it sincerely brings me to tears. this is all i’ve wanted to do my whole life. i sure hope i can get an opportunity to REALLY do it.

dan actually just got his first job, and i couldn’t be anymore proud! he works at thompson toyota in doylestown, and i’m so happy for him that he gets to be excited for monday about going in and starting the rest of his life. he just did such a great job in school, and he deserves this. i’m so proud of him. love my boyfriend.

but i have about 100 lesson plans to do tonight, but hope you’re happy!
whoever/wherever you are! :0)

sooo, i haven’t done one of these things in a while.

20 things about me – you may or may not know.

1. i’m terrified of scorpions more than probably anything else EVER.
2. i have huge crushes on more girls than boys. i’m not sure why! but i’m head over heels in love with jenny lewis, neko case, emily blunt, zooey deschanel, mila kuniz, reese witherspoon, lauren conrad…okay i’ll stop. you get the point.
3. i’m a huge perfectionist psycho and i like to make everyone around me think i’m perfect. is it working?
4. my parents are my original best friends. no matter what else happens, i would drop anything for them. family is forever.
5. i think binge drinking is awful and i’d really prefer to drink beer and eat a burrito. i’m sorry, unlike the rest of the female population, i DO NOT like cranberry and vodka.
6. i’m obsessed with the way that braids look, but i am so terrible at braiding that it’s embarrassing. if i could change anything about myself, i’d have much more talent in the hair/makeup department.
7. i feel like i appreciate little things a lot more than a lot of other people my age. i don’t need a lot, the littlest things can get me excited and happy. honestly, let’s go to aerie during a sale or listen to maroon 5 or watch all that on nick at night, and i’ll be as happy as a clam.
8. i’ve gotten really screwed over in friendships. i’ve had so many “best friends” who don’t even care about me and i have really bad trust issues as a result. i think girls are truly just SO mean, and it’s hard to be friends with people when i care so much for them and it’s a struggle to not expect too much out of people anymore.
9. i’ve never been broken up with because i don’t trust boys and i’m always one foot in, one foot out of relationships.
10. my favorite beer is “pretty things baby tree” simply because of the name. it’s also like, 10% alcohol so after 2, i’m done! which is fine by me.
11. my ultimate dream is to be 120 pounds and be 5’4″. must be nice to be able to wear any random pair of pants you find in a store, have every dress be long enough, and be able to find shorts that are TOO LONG and to be able to roll them up.
12. i’ve changed almost completely in the past 2 years. i can’t believe how many of my beliefs are completely OPPOSITE. it’s crazy how life does that!
13. honestly, all i want out of life is to get a teaching position and rent an apartment and get out of pennsylvania. that’s it. i don’t care about a perfect husband, or a white picket fence, i want OUT of my hometown. is that so much to ask for? please hire me.
14. i hate mean people. SO MUCH. i hate when people use sarcasm to make other people feel bad, and when they put other people down to make themselves feel better. i know a lot of people who really could use a few more manners and a good talking to about this subject. it makes me sad that people can be so mean and think nothing of it.
15. i’m NOT a good dancer. going to clubs is fun to me, but not so i can like, dance seriously with guys or ANYTHING like that. i truly think i’m one of the most awkward people in the world. but i have NO shame. if i’m having a good time, that’s all that matters.
16. i hate winter. i mean, nothing is more of a buzz kill than walking outside and having it be 19 degrees. at least that’s my opinion. i’m not a fan of 90 degrees either, but at least then you can get a tan.
17. i want a dog more than anything. as soon as i move out of my parents house, i’m a buying a huge dog. and i’m pretty sure i’m naming him jimmy after jimmy rollins. ahh can’t wait!!!
18. i’m jealous of the girlfriends who are so obsessed with their boyfriends and like, would never think of breaking up with them because they’re just so in love. i wonder what that’s like. i would NEVER know. that’s just not me. ugh. but i really REALLY wish it was. it’s just a personal issue, i think.
19. i think i should be a rapper. i mean, i really love rap music and i learn the words to songs really fast! this is serious. i mean, i might not look like a typical rapper but this can all be worked out i’m sure.
20. my favorite color is off-white. it used to be brown, but whatever, now it’s now. is off-white even a color? probably not. oops!

hello!

things are good lately! the break is so nice, but i’m getting kind of antsy and just want to go back to school. i’m graduating college in 4 months and i have my most difficult semester ahead of me. soooo, let’s get started, shall we? things have been rough with losing my brother. i’m trying to cope with it, but still have the worst days i could ever imagine. i just can’t even comprehend how much i miss him sometimes, and it just gets to become too much. i know he wouldn’t want me to feel this way and be upset, but life is so hard without your older brother.

i contacted school districts about a week ago, and hardly ANYONE even answered me back. i have a 3.7 GPA and one of the most stacked resumes ever. like, what’s the problem?! i know i have time, i’m just kind of frustrated because i really just want to graduate and LEAVE. gain independence. live somewhere new. get out of here! not to say i’m ungrateful for all of the wonderful things i’m blessed with here, but i’m 22 and need to see more of life than this town has to offer.

things with dan are doing okay, i’m just getting a little stir crazy of his constant ANTICS. i mean, i love him, but boys honestly drive me insane! i’m sure he says the same thing, but whatever! i just want a nice, calm relationship while everyone around me is cheating on each other and fighting and clawing each other’s eyes out. i feel like we’ve worked hard enough to deserve that.

but, i’ll write soon. hope things are beautiful with you.

http://www.xanga.com/media/xangaaudioembedplayer.swf?c=2&i=3991310&m=39631

christmas and new years came and went!

merry christmas! happy new year!

so nice to be with my family for the holidays, and even nicer to live at home. i mean, i’m 22, so my parents OBVIOUSLY drive me nuts so easily with all their nagging and worrying about me. but they’re always going to be the best roommates i ever could have. new years eve was fun! of course there was a little drama, like always, but i think that the cycle of finding friends/discovering they’re not so great after all is just so reoccurring. so i’m not going to worry about it. i mean, i try to be there for people. when they turn their back on me, i don’t think that really reflects on my character as much as it does theirs.

on a positive note, i finally got the nerve to contact some principles at school districts and get my name out there for a job for after graduation. i contacted 14 people in both the wake county and durham county school districts for various positions. i’m so excited/scared/hopeful. i just want an interview. i want to show them how much i’ll impress them! how much i can do for their faculty and students! oh my goodness. this is probably the most important thing i’ve ever done. TERRIFYING. we’ll see what happens.

but finally, i cannot WAIT for student teaching and to graduate and i’m so grateful for my parents and their unconditional support and assistance throughout school. i don’t think i could be ANY luckier.

take care! :0)