omgosh. so so much has changed.

so! that last post referred to dan. OBVIOUSLY. and a REALLY freaking rough spot we had for a little there. um, so i guess dan wasn’t as devastated about our break up as i was, and he actually was talking to someone else and hung out with them. and i mean, i guess it wouldn’t have been such a big deal if he would have told me about it when i asked him if he was at the time. (he didn’t) so for that reason, i was a little taken aback and upset, but let it go because he promised that they hadn’t spoken since. and i mean, CALL ME A PSYCHO. whatever. butttt! he wrote on her facebook wall and i LOST IT. LOST. IT. it brought back all the awful bs i have been through with boys and i couldn’t believe he would lie to me like that. all of a sudden, me being ever so understanding felt wrong. like, maybe he was taking advantage of me and really hadn’t told me everything that happened. honestly, i don’t mean it in any mean way, but i’m still not really sure what happened. and i really DON’T trust him. and i don’t think i ever will as much as i did before. trust is just a really weird thing, you know? if it was so easy to lie to me before, then what changed now? nothing. so i have to fight the urge to grab his phone every opportunity i get and look through it and just try to deal with it. i love him. but SHOOT. he screwed up. hardcore. and i’m really trying to get over it. but i don’t know when/if i’ll get there.

i honestly can’t even believe i’m even trying. that’s really not like me to even put up with this stuff. so uhhh. hope i’m making the right choice…right?

anyway! better news considering that was a complete bummer! uh, I GOT A JOB. i know. i can’t believe it either. during my spring break, when all my fellow college students were getting blackout wasted, i of course was only concentrating on getting a job because it’s ALL i care about so i went to job fairs! the first one i went to was a HUGE waste of time, and pretty much the only thing i got out of it was that my resume got RIPPED apart by a superintendent of a school district. but, i appreciate the feedback! i made the changes and had a pretty little resume ready for my next job fair at West Chester. honestly, i was expecting nothing out of it and wore KHAKIS to the job fair, which is like completely unacceptable, i know. but i went just to get some experience and brought 30 resumes and thought i’d try to network. well, roanoke city public school district in virginia was actually doing sit down interviews, and i of course signed up for one. i was nervous, feeling like i wouldn’t say the right things and embarrass myself, but i figured it was really good experience interviewing in a low stress, more casual environment. so i took the opportunity! honestly, i feel like i said all the worst things to say, and was blatantly honest about things that MAYBE you shouldn’t be so honest about…but i got a job! the supervisor of special education really liked me, and i was offered a contract on the spot. i’ll be making a HEFTY salary, full benefits, and have a position as a special education teacher. i think i cried about 30 times in the 4 days following that because i just couldn’t believe what i always wanted finally happened. such a nice feeling. i’m going to graduate with a position!!! i still can’t believe it. i’m gonna cry again i think. i’m so lucky that she’s willing to take a chance on me. i know i have NO experience and i seem like a gamble, but she is NOT going to regret this. i’m so excited for august. like, i can’t even stand it anymore.

but, this was a really sad/happy entry. so that’s good right? uh, idk.

my adult life = set! my 22 year old life = kind of a work in progress.
i just wish i could be where i am but REALLY have things be different between dan and i.
it makes me sick that we even have these kinds of trust issues. ugh. my relationship. trust issues. ugh.

we’ll see what happens. i just honestly hope he’s not talking to another girl right now.
because that’s literally my lurking fear EVERY WAKING MOMENT of my life anymore.

welllll, goodnight!