okay, so im not going to lie, things arent really that amazing in the friend department as of late. and i guess i kind of wonder “WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE PROBLEMS W/ MY FRIENDS WHO ARE GIRLS” and then it all comes back to usually one problem: boys. cool.

well i just got finished watching the hills. and i like how it was a complete parallel to like, my life. i feel like i’ve really lost contact w/ my 3 SUPPOSED-TO-BE best friends. bc of boys. and i think that because i dont have a boyfriend who is in school w/ me, or that lives 10 minutes away, or who is willing to sacrifice their whole entire college experience by coming home every weekend, i dont really fit in with them. bc i dont like when i get stuck being the third wheel bc one of them decides to hang out w/ their boyfriend instead of going to winter formal, and leaves me w/ two couples. just so i have to leave early and miserable. and i also dont like when girls nights turn into hanging out w/ your boyfriend in the lobby while i hang out all by myself or close enough bc i dont like the ppl who are there. and its easy to dismiss it when you do it. but unfortunately, i dont have the luxury of even being able to blow off ppl for my boyfriend. because i only see him like, every three weeks or so. and it bothers me. bc you can’t be blown off if you’re just with your boyfriend all the time. but you can be blown off if you dont have that last resort. or that person to be with all the time.

i dont ask for much i dont think. but i do ask that i at least get attention from these ppl. and that i dont get QUICKLY replaced bc i speak out against a relationship that was doomed from the start. just because someone says one TRUTHFUL thing about a relationship, and their fears of what it is capable of doing, that doesn’t mean that you can push someone on top of them right away. and that ppl can do that, especially ppl who are supposed to be so “true”, it is kind of hard to really even understand how you could even care so much about anyone at all.

like dont get me wrong, i have friends that dont do this, but it just bothers me. how could i invest so much time in someone who obviously didnt even care? its just, i get kind of sick of getting taken advantage of, and then having to listen to them cry on the phone. like, im ALWAYS THERE, but do i get that luxury from you? no, i dont. and that bothers the hell out of me. bc for how long am i supposed to be the back burner? and the behind the scenes friend? im sick of girls. bc no matter what, every relationship is competition. it can never be an equal playing field. the fact that i met everyone last, that means that i’m automatically not first when it comes to how close you are to me. when in reality, shouldn’t it be the nights i spent staying up to listen to you complain? and the times that i gave you advice that i knew you wouldn’t listen to? and the times when i hung out w/ you when i could have ditched you for something better?

i am so sick of highschool.