when you can’t hold on, hold on.

its been quite the few years.
who would have thought that it would still be like this?

new years is never everything everyone really cracks it up to be. unfortunately, my plans fell through, like they usually do. but if i can’t spend new years with my best friend, i’ll spend it all by myself. i really dont need to hang out w/ people who a) i really dont care about or b) really respect very much, just for the sake of having something to do. but thank you for the invites. i’m comfortable enough with just being by myself, even if i guess ringing in the new year all by yourself looks REALLY pathetic. but really, just laying in bed watching movies seems like an okay way to ring it in, personally. at least i wont wake up tomorrow morning and not even know what i was doing.

i feel like i have a lot of decisions ahead of me with a lot. and its hard, because my friends are probably really annoyed w/ me because all i do is talk about myself, and for that, i’m really sorry. its hard, because i feel like i come off more self-centered than anything, but i promise thats not really the truth. i’m trying my best to be there for everyone though. so, if i feel a little distant lately, im sorry. i just have my whole future, blankly looking right at me. and my grandmom/one of the best people i’ve ever known is so, not alright right now. and it hurts me so badly. i went to church all by myself for the first time in years, just to sit all by myself on a pew and just try to make jesus understand that it really ISNT her time to go. she still wants to be here. she still has so much to do. its not fair. i know he has tons of people to listen to everyday, but i can’t scream, all i can do is just talk to him, hoping that my quiet prayers are loud enough to be heard. i know he heard them though. i just can’t take my mind off of the fact that my grandmom is so sick, and all of her children are honestly just splitting up what she owns, just so they can benefit from her not being here anymore. how can people be like that? especially when thats your mother? when they’ve done everything that they could for you? given up so much, and loved you, through out everything? she deserves so much more than shes getting. and thats what kills me the most. empty, rude, ungrateful people get EVERYTHING. and the people who go from day to day w/ the bear minimum, yet never complain once, and are COMPLETELY content, are always slighted. my grandmom never even talks about being sick. she’d rather talk about how i’ll be such a great teacher. and how pretty i am. and what a good driver i am. and how much she loves the UGLY gingerbread houses i make for her.

and i know that was really whiny, and you dont have to comment, or any of that. i just need to get it out. i never talk about anything. not because i dont trust people, but because, there really is nothing to say. all i want to do is be happy. and positive. and its hard. because things arent that great right now. and yes, i HAVE had my period for like, EVER. so the pms is endless. sorry about that. i was never really good w/ being verbal w/ what is going on in my life. and thats just the way i am. my best friends are just fine at being my best friends. and by that, i mean, they dont go “why dont you ever tell me anything?” and say “whats wrong?” all the time. they can hug me and know that i’m okay, as long as i have them. and that means a lot. i have so much, and that means so much to me. i’m so blessed. and i know that. nothing is perfect, but nothing is wrong enough to the extent that it cannot be fixed. so how lucky could i possibly be?

this year is a year for the books. i will be turning 18, although it will really change nothing, and i will be stepping out of qhs, and not being the “innocent, goody-two shoes” and i will be able to be jennifer savage, even if that means nothing at all. sure, i’m glad that im not like “jenn, the skank,” but i’m so much more than that girl who drinks sprite instead of southern comfort, and would be willing to wake up at 4am, if it means that i could drive someone home safely. thats not being “goody goody,” in my opinion, i think its being compassionate. …thats just me though. but hopefully, the people in san diego will see that, too. because really, thats all that matters.

i hope everyone has a great new years eve. and although i have no cell phone right now, i’m gonna try and call people to wish them one. haha.
god bless all of you.