no, i won’t go.
i want to stay here with you.

so. i work all weekend. and like i’m tired after one day. AYE CARUMBA! it’s cool. :0)
i made 140 tonight. i’m really eager to get my car fixed. it’s so rough not having it around.
i really can’t wait for courtney to come home. seriously. SHE IS MY BEST FRIEND.
just having her away for like, a little more than a week makes me realize how much i love her.
i really want a breast reduction. i know i can’t afford it. but i really want one. we’ll see.
i’m really looking forward to a beach trip. it seems pretty important right now. not gona lie.
i like having a boyfriend that i’m really happy with. and not bothering with boys who dont matter.

post over!

hey hey hey!

soooo. just when my life finally got caught up and i was good with money, my cars battery and alternator died. ugh. which is rough. so once again, i’m kind of in the hole with money. but it’s okay, because i’m working 3 doubles and i’ll be okay. not too worried. it was kind of awkward because the only person who could help me with the car was chopper, and that was, of course, as rough as i could have foreseen it being. not too concerned though. i’m really excited for courtney to come home next week. so excited. life feels weird without her. dan is back in florida. i cried really hard for like 10 minutes after dropping him off at the airport, but then kind of realized we’re gona see eachother in 3 weeks. haha. proof that i really am a girl, huh? haha. i saw jon yeakel, which was really cool. we played mariokart and looked for the naked miley cyrus video but couldn’t find it. lame! caught up with gabby tonight. my car is going to the mechanic on monday to get fixed which is good. i’ll get through it. of that i am sure. it’s just so rough not having my own car! i miss it. even if its an oldie. it’s still a goldie! i really like alexisonfire lately. i’m really excited to go to the beach. i don’t know the next time i’ll go but hopefully it will be real real soon! i’m so surprised i’ve had my xanga for so long. i’ve more loyal to this than my own diary! aye carumba. i feel like i didn’t talk about dan enough. i really like him. today i was kind of thinking about merissia, wondering if she’s kind of resenting me a little more than shes acting about the whole entire me dating her exboyfriend thing. and do you know what i came to realize. I. DONT. CARE. because i have seriously waited on my friends hand and foot. done everything for them. been the last resort when the boyfriend dumps them. broke plans for them. done everything for them. and if the only thing i have ever done wrong for her was date the boy she broke up with, then i think i’m in the clear. i didn’t do anything wrong. so if she chooses not to talk to me, that’s completely up to her. and i refuse to let that effect me. i didn’t do it to hurt her. and if she doesn’t know that already, then i don’t know if she even knows me.

some documentation of my life. i haven’t done this for a while!

yep. it’s all with courtney and dan. but oh well. they’re my life. :0)

so!

i’m dans girlfriend. that was quick. but actually, when i think about it, took FOREVER.
got my final grades. 3 a’s and one b. so i’m pretty proud. my gpa is lookin pretty good. :0)
i hate working so i don’t do it that much bc i am lazybones so whatever.
all i want to do is go to the beach bc it’s so pretty out and it feels like the right thing to do.
court’s in italy for 2 weeks pretty much and i feel like she’s been gone for years. she left today.
i buy so many clothes anymore and i spend all of my money on dan but idc. so whatever.
i like my permed hair so much better than my regular straight hair. what a good investment.
i can’t wait to clean my room and car this week and get my life more organized.
i have no interest in talking to andrew. nor interest in talking to chopper either.
so i guess this is what you call the real thing. and how do i know that?
for once, i’m actually absolutely satisfied. and i COULD NOT be happier. at all!

and i’m spent.

hey.

so things are good! school is finally over on tuesday, after i take my last final. which is freaking me out because i worked so hard in school and i don’t want it to get ruined from one grade. all a’s in all my classes thus far. so we’ll see. the last few weeks have been STRESS. money was even an issue which is weird because i have been so good financially and it was kind of rough. i worked so many doubles and everything so i finally caught myself back up. which is relieving. i went to the beach with dan and court this week which was SO much fun. so glad i went. i love the beach. i’m so excited for this summer. kind of disappointed about having to take summer classes but that’s just the price i have to pay for going to bucks. i need to stay caught up. so i’m going to do it. kind of confused as far as the whole boy situation. still. which is so dumb and i don’t know why i can’t just figure it out already. but oh well. i’ll figure it out. that’s what i always do. i just wish i wasn’t so hopeful, and that is kind of the problem. i know the signs. i know everything. i’m just continuing to hope that i’m wrong. we’ll see. i just don’t want things to become to monotanous. i hate reaching this point. and i never really reached it with him? i don’t want to think about it. my feelings are too hot and cold and it makes it so obvious how much growing up i have yet to do. which is really disappointing. and i’ll learn.

but i’m just scared that a rude awakening will be necessary in order to get that lesson.

i just watched 27 dresses. and i don’t know why, but like, chick flicks NEVER make me feel good. and i’m not quite sure why. actually, i am quite aware why they don’t. this whole entire “haha, commitment just isn’t my thing…” isn’t funny anymore. i’m sick of telling people that i’m kind of like a “guy” when it comes to relationships. i’m sick of freaking backing out of things when they get too serious. sometimes, i seriously just get so nervous that if i keep doing this, i’m going to be alone forever. every time things get a little serious, i’m just going to back out. and i don’t want that. i don’t want flings for the rest of my life. i don’t want to be alone. i want that kiss on the forehead before i go to sleep. i want the flowers on anniversaries. i want the reassuring handhold. i want it. and i’m sick of the fact that i’m never satisfied with anything anymore. i am so sickened with what i have become. it’s not funny anymore. it’s not cute anymore. i just want to be back to that really annoying in love girlfriend. and i have no idea how to get back there. because now, when i see that, it repulses me. i listened to bremmer das today, and i seriously wanted to throw up. i put everything into the most stupid, trite relationship. and now i have nothing to give anymore. and even less motivation to have any relationship at all.

i love you but it still feels wrong.

hey guess what?

andrew, making me self conscious, you know, like you did our whole entire relationship, its NOT going to make me fall back in love with you. IDK JUST SAYING. but whatever. i’m kind of over the whole entire “which boy to choose” thing because i’d rather just sit back and not choose at all. so i won’t. i’ll let the decision be made for me. he sealed it. so if you’re reading this, there’s an fyi ao! you’re still in love with me? i don’t blame you. i would be too. but you can have some trashbag girl who looks like a boy or something. so millersville. anyway! work tonight was stupid. i didn’t make as much as i would have liked. i have major pms right now. things with my best friend feel a little distant. i have SO much work to do before the semester closes. i’ll get it all done but i’m kind of just a little stressed over it. nothing a nap and some major commitment can’t take care of though. no problem. the song “shiver” by maroon 5 is seriously AWESOME. i lock my keys in my car too much i’m pretty sure. i should probably just get a set surgically attatched to me. maybe. i’m pretty sure i’m getting a perm on monday bc i’m BAMF. i got the cutest new bathing suit. SHUT UP. adorable. i’m ready to be at the beach with court3. be tan. be smiley. and not HAVE BREAK OUTS ON MY FACE BC ONLY TRASHCANS HAVE THAT.

and for the record, i still love miley cyrus. vanity fair and all.

I’M GRUMP.

i’m kind of stressed out about school.
i’m sick of seriously working EVERY second of my life.
i’m kind of over being lonely all the time.
i’m over being the girl that boys always run back to. (why’d you leave in the first place?)
i honestly have the worst stomach ache that i have ever had in months.
i really don’t like the color orange right now.
i’m kind of broke and all i want to do is buy princess sloppy a new tank.
i dont know if i mentioned that my stomach really really hurts bc it does.
i’m SO OVER RIDICULOUS CREEPY PEOPLE.
i just want to go to the beach and every second i’m not there gets me upset.
i want to be completely over andrew and i don’t know why i just can’t get there?
i want a pedicure but i can’t really afford it right now.
i can actually have a sleepover party with my best friend but we both have to work at our gay jobs all weekend.
i am orphaned all this weekend and that is gay.
i just want my hair to grow longer and it won’t.
i wanted to take vitamins for it but my parents won’t let me because they’re lame.
i really need to wash my work clothes for tomorrow morning but my stomach hurts so bad i’m scared to go down the stairs.
i need an oil change real bad but i hate getting them so i’m pushing it off.
i really honestly feel like sometimes, i’m never ever good enough. with anything.
i have love handles. which is enough of something that will ALWAYS piss me off.
i don’t have anyone to go to rilo kiley with me anymore. ditched.

sometimes, it feels nice to rant.

“i’m so totally in to everything about you.”

ditto. :0)
anyway! this week was pretty good. i feel a lot better about school bc for once, i actually buckled down and got things done. it was a nice change. i feel a lot better about it. the weather is a lot lot nicer, i mean, i’m wearing tshirts and big sunglasses like it’s my job! and i’m so happy about it. i’m always really really busy which is kind of lame, but it’s really good that i’m keeping busy. making the time go by faster. i saw eits on thursday, which was great. i seriously kept tearing up over and over again, because they seriously move me so much. i went with andrew and his friend jared. and i’m not going to lie, i was kind of nervous that seeing him, especially hearing that music was going to be kind of hard. but it wasn’t. i’m seriously SO happy with what i have right now. i know this is always what i wanted. i wish i could like put it into words. i’m seriously so grateful for my life right now that it’s nauseating. even if my life gets stressful. i wouldn’t change one thing. at all. i honestly listened to eits last night, just laid in the dark on my bed and thought about how much things have worked out for me. i couldn’t help but like, cry. because i can’t believe how lucky i am for everything. i know, i’m kind of lame. :0) i’m just so excited for the rest of my life! i’m only 19. and i feel like i have so much to look forward to. ah! and oh yeah, today was my birthday! my friends and family made the day sososo great. court got me the coach bracelet that i wanted SO BAD that i couldn’t even BREATHE, so i was so happy about it. my mom bought me pretty dresses and tons of flats. and it was just really nice to be with my family because they’re the most important people in my whole entire life. don’t know what i’d do without them. that’s for sure.

i work tomorrow morning. and i don’t want to. because it’s gona be so pretty out!
oh well. work = pedicures and clothes. sooooo, i’ll make the sacrifice.
now, that’s what i call a post! lovelovelove.

it’s all that i can do to stay,
with all the things i didn’t say to you
before you moved across the country.

oh hi. :0) i HATE school anymore, and am pretty much sitting around waiting for summer. because i’m lazy. i hate working anymore, but i loveeee making money. eating carbs makes me feel HORRIBLE, and i really want to go back to eating green things/things that are good for me. because i think a big reason why i’m so emotional anymore is that eating lousy food makes me miserable! i’m trying not to talk to andrew. really. well i’m working on it. things with chopper are CRAP. it’s really sad that this is always what has to come about from relationships. ugh. hannah montana is seriously the only music i ever want to listen to. i think my new favorite thing is pedicures. even if they’re 40 bucks. i have a lot of homework to do this weekend, but all i want to do is lay around in bed. i don’t mind though bc i’m allowed to lay around bc i feel like i have such a busy hectic life. even if it’s not. oh well. i love buying new underwear and my birthday is in a week and 13 minutes. :0) i know it’s not really a big deal because i’m only turning 19, but i’m looking so forward to hanging out w/ my parents and not having to work on friday and saturday. haha. and buying some new clothes. because i have a one track mind. OBVIOUSLY. i think i’m going to wear dresses every day this summer. CANT WAIT. and i’m pretty sure i’m running out of things to say. except i really love lemurs a lot and i’m pretty sure my dream pets are a lemur and a hedgehog. and a fox pup that i can put in a coach purse.

okay. post over!

“i wouldn’t take back anything, because i’m so glad that it put me right here.”

seriously.
my heart is about to burst.
i hope this is real.