sooo, i broke up with dan. i guess, i broke my engagement with dan if we’re going to be technical, but same thing. honestly, we’ve both changed. we hardly know each other anymore, and we really just lost the fun part of our relationship. he just changed a lot from the boy that i thought he was, and i think i’m just looking for something that i know he’s not. i mean, it’s kind of weird, but i’m just going to go with this right now. i’m allowed to be by myself and figure it out for the first time in about 7 years. i deserve this moment to be single and figure everything out. however, all of these tried (and failed) relationships have taught me a lot about what i don’t want, and what i do want especially. it’s just nothing i’ve found in a boy, thus far. however, now that my head is clear and i can actually think about it, i’m going to make a list of the things that i want in a boy, so if i ever find a potential relationship again, i can know i’m on the right track. and not just on the track of a stupid long term relationship turning into nothing.

1. i want a boyfriend who has a personality that is all their own. not one that depends on who he is with.
    i want him to confident enough in who he is that he can just be himself.
2. i want him to be open minded. i DO NOT want a racist, jerk boyfriend who is closed minded
    and says very immature things that can be taken as hurtful, and SO ignorant.
3. i want him to be responsible. pay bills, know responsiblity, etc. not complain about being broke
    when they spend frivolously and have NO bills.
4. i want him to be good with kids, and to want children, and to respect family and friends.
5. i want to him to have HIS OWN LIFE. i would love to bold, underline, anything i can do to this to make it stand out even more.
    i want a boyfriend who has his own life, his own friends, and just wants my company.
    who doesn’t depend on me for EVERYTHING IN HIS life.
6. i want him to treat my friends and family well.
7. i want him to like music that doesn’t include nickelback and like,
    the music 11th graders listen to. is that too much to ask?
8. i want him to have an opinion. even if it pisses me off, even if i don’t agree,
    i want a boy who won’t bow down to everything i say.
9. i want a boy who is respectful, and cares about what i say. who wants to listen to me.
10. i want a boyfriend who cares about important things.
      not stupid cars as a status symbol to be cool to people who don’t even matter anymore.
11. college education, clean lungs, healthy liver, nice smile, good style, and a big heart would also be greatly appreciated.

hahaha, so obviously, i’m never dating another boy again. ugh!

hey!

well the semester is ending, and although i LOVED LOVED LOVED professional semester, i know i need a break. after all these lesson plans and all the work, relaxing seems like a dream come true. i loved both of my placements, and was so lucky to work with such awesome kids AND cooperating teachers. i don’t know how i got so lucky. i’m crossing my fingers that i’ll be seeing them again next year, for my student teaching placements. :0)

anyway, things are good. i BLEW through my tax return because it’s my life and i do what i want. but things are going really well and i’m happy to say that things are as they should be lately. things with dan are good, things with my family are good, things with my friends are good. i miss my brother awfully lately, but i know i’m just having to keep coping. i can’t help but think about him constantly. i know i’ll never stop though.

the winter is getting really warm, and it’s so nice. in a few weeks, we’ll be going as a family to spread my brother’s ashes in the grand canyon. it seems surreal. all my brother ever was is in a little box. ugh. i’m freaking myself out. but anyway, i think this is what he would want. i miss him. so much. hug your brother for me. anyway.

i’m looking forward to a fun summer and to relaxing a little.

i hope things are good with you!

the third grade is great! i love my major.

i’m engaged. i’m like kind of in shock and still can’t believe it.
but omgosh i’m so excited lkajfalkdfjadslkjfadklfjadsfa.
i’m lucky enough to get to marry my best friend.

spring is here. but it’s going to snow? ugh! :0(

anddd, i bought an iphone! so things are pretty good, honestly.
but the good reminds me how much i miss my brother, if that makes sense.
whenever i get too too happy, i just can’t help but think about how much i wish he was here.
i know he’s happy for me.

happy spring! be happy.

hello there!

my wish came true. the six weeks IS over, and my official first day in my third grade classroom is monday. i’d be lying if i said i’m not pretty scared, but i think it’s normal. i’m actually going to be doing this teaching thing for real! i can’t believe how quickly life goes. and man, i hope i’m actually good at this!

life is okay. just still kind of putting together the pieces from all of the things that have changed as of late. my family is okay, but it’s really just a battle. everything is so different. i can’t even really explain it. my friends are good. some are non-stop drama as always, and then the others, completely perfect friends to me as always. i’m just too too lucky.

i work all weekend, and i hate working but i know i need money. i’m so excited for spring, i’m just excited for it to be warm again and to just be outside and trying to stay busy. i bought new rayban sunglasses, and that like completely reminded me how much i miss the sunshine.

dan and i are great. i couldn’t be any more lucky. just enjoying my relationship. i’m so lucky. i can’t even say it enough.

monday is my dad’s birthday! happy early birthday to the best day on the entire planet!!!

hope you’re doing perfectly.

hello!

things are good lately. school is OMGOSH stressful but i’m living through it. i’m just really looking forward to these 6 weeks of class to be DONEZO so i can just get in the classroom already. i’m tired of all of the sit and wait. i’m just ready to get out there. i’m petrified. but it’s gotta happen eventually.

i’ve been real busy with work as well. i went to my grandfather’s 80th birthday. the savages are all SO fake that it makes me sick to think we’re related. i know why we’re distant, but i know that i can’t ignore that my grandfather is my grandfather. that won’t make him look bad, it will make me look bad. i’m a nice person. and he’s my grandfather, and i’m going to be here for him. but mostly, i went to the birthday dinner for my dad. he’s my rock, and i think once and a while i want to be able to do that for him, too.

it’s valentine’s day. my LEAST favorite holiday. i’m still completely convinced this is a day for single people to feel absolutely lonely and i want nothing to do with it. i love my boyfriend all 365 days of the year and i don’t love him any more or less because hallmark told me today was a good day. no thanks! but it gave me an opportunity to give all my tables tonight disney princess valentines, which got me 20% tips all night!

i’m doing so good with money lately. i’m actually proud of myself! i have almost 700 dollars saved, and about 400 in my bank account right now. and 60 in my wallet from work! i’m being really responsible with money because i want to show my dad that i can save and prove to him that i understand how much of a financial burden college is. so i’m going to. i’m using mint.com which is AWESOME and it says if i try to save 200 a month, i should be able to reach my goal by june. so that’s what i’m going to do!

dan and i are great. i want to get married really bad but i’m not pushing it. i’m just going on my bridal websites and looking at dresses. i mean, come on, i can’t get married NOW. i know that. but i COULD plan a wedding right now. and look at dresses. and get on a diet STAT. because i want the pictures to be flawless! speaking of diet, man, i need to start going to the gym. barf.

but i should probably start doing homework now. ugh. :0(

hope you’re perfect!

hello xanga.

today was my first day of class. luckily, the snow gods gave us a 2 hour delay and one of my professors decided not to have class. so! i only had one. and she was ADORABLE. professional semester is going to be fun, i can tell already. a lot of work i’m sure, but that’s okay by me. some fun would be nice too.

things are going okay lately. i made such awesome money at work this weekend which is so nice, and i’m completely freezing my body off and cannot wait for spring. i know i have a while, but these 19 degree days make me want to pack up and move down south asap. this is not my weather. at all. but i’m so excited to try to save my money so i can buy new dresses for spring. i know i don’t need them, but i’m allowed to want them. and one day, get them.

i’m really excited to get this semester over with and i’m SO excited to graduate. i’m still kind of devastated i’m going to graduate late, but i’m glad that i have ZERO loans. i can’t wait to graduate and have a fresh start, without 60,000 dollars in debt following me around. i guess an extra year isn’t too bad, and i know that it’s going to come so quickly. life goes by so fast as you grow older. it’s honestly scary but i’m just trying to appreciate each day as it comes. you’re never guaranteed a tomorrow. i recognize that now.

but anyway. i love sangria and taking showers and am officially obsessed with jersey shore. i mean, i actually think dan is MORE obsessed but i guess i’ll keep it a secret.

enjoy your night/week.

Alright. So I’ll try to make this not absolutely devastating.

Life is okay. As okay as things are going to be for a while. I had a few rough weeks, really busy with things that I didn’t even want to face, but now I’m back to working towards what I know is important. I’ve done observation hours at Martin Luther Silver Springs in Blue Bell and I’m in love. Even though these kids come in with black eyes and have seen a world I’m lucky enough to not have had to witness, they laugh and they joke and try to make the best out of everything. They’re hope and ambition makes me tear up just thinking about it. I always thought I wasn’t the kind of girl who would really do well in an intercity school, but I’m started to rethink that for sure. If there’s one thing I want to do in my life, I want it to be something I wouldn’t have ever thought I was “cut out” for. The kids deserve someone who is willing to put their everything into them. Absolutely amazing.

Anyway. I’m COMPLETELY broke. It’s like absolutely disgusting but now more than ever, I’ve realized that money means NOTHING. Nothing means anything. One day, it’s all gone and all you have is the things that you’ve accomplished. Not the 40 dollar mascaras, the vintage dresses, and the other bullshit. It all means nothing. I’ve learned that the hard way. And God, I wouldn’t wish this upon anyone.

I’m excited to go back to school. I’m excited to just get closer to getting on with my life. Getting good grades is fun, but it feels empty. I just want to feel like I’m really accomplishing something, you know? I want to graduate and see the proud look on my parents face. It kills me that Bill won’t be there, but I know he’s here. He’s always going to be here. He’s my brother, no matter where he is. It’s just difficult to think of life without him. I can’t though. I can only take one day at a time. Opening his christmas gifts made me cry, and just seeing his handwriting on the tags “To Jenn Love Bill” made my heart sink. Life is just so unfair. I know this is terrible, but I’ve never doubted God so much. And I don’t care what anyone says. Fuck plans. God’s plan was wrong. And I don’t care how many people say “Trust in God” and “God Bless You” because it’s bullshit and I just refuse to believe in someone who would do something that would rip a life away from someone who deserved it. Called his parents every day, drank about twice a month, had a full time job and just got offered a promotion, married for a year. Yup. Great plan God.

Enough angst. I know it’s immature. But I’m so emotional and I just miss him and it’s hard. I’m lucky to have had him as a brother and I’m lucky that I know he’ll always be with me. But. Ugh.

Well, I have a full weekend of work and sooooooooo many more observations to do but I’m sure I’ll write in her again eventually.

Please go call your family and remind them how much you love them. Please do it for me.

Bill,
I don’t know what I’m going to do without you. I’ve never had a Christmas without you trying to make me drink a rum and coke even though I hate it. I’ve never had a birthday without a ridiculous card. I’ve never had to live without you, and I’m so scared to. I can’t believe you’re gone. I want more than anything for this to be a horrible dream, and to wake up tomorrow and be able to text you just to say hey. I wanted to buy you fireworks for christmas, and when I saw them today, I teared up. I can’t believe after everything, it’s all suddenly so different. I just want you to know that you meant so much to everyone in your life. You may have been an IMPOSSIBLE person sometimes, but your support meant so much to me. Those quiet talks about our lives when we wanted eachothers opinions without mom and dad’s meant everything to me. You confided in me, and I confided in you and I would do anything to make you come back. My heart hurts so bad and the loss is going to be so apparent for the rest of my life. I was never as funny as you, you KNOW that. You can make everyone laugh and make everyone feel at ease. You always gave me relief when the situation seemed unbearable. I don’t know what I’m going to do without you. Thanks so much for everything, for remembering my birthday, for all the advice, for calling my thighs fat, for EVERYTHING. I would give anything to bring you back to me and let you live the life that you deserve. Your impact on the people in your life was so strong, even though you were only here a short time. A day won’t go by when I won’t see something that makes me laugh and smile because it will remind me of you. It hurts now, and I’m sure it will hurt forever, but I know you’re better where you are now and I’m happy to know that. I hope it’s perfect where you are, and that you can live the life that earth wouldn’t allow you to. I will talk to you everyday, I’m sorry if I’m annoying, but deal with it. No matter where you are, I’m still your little sister.

I love you more than any word could ever tell you.

it’s been a whileeeee.

things are good. it’s december, so all the fall holidays have past. they will fun. always are. my last post is that i broke up with dan, and uhhhh, as usual, didn’t last. he ticks me off SO much but i think i just get cold feet about this relationship. STILL. because i’m a huge psycho and i don’t know what my problem even is. i’m lucky i can tell him to leave and he will drive around for 5 minutes and then just come back. i’m glad i am with a guy who knows me and my flaws and how to diffuse them. he gets me so mad, but there’s no one else i want. dorky glasses, horrible language, unlucky, he’s really the only guy for me.

i was hoping to move out of my apartment because umm, IT’S COMPLETELY EXPENSIVE but it fell through. i got so screwed over by my apartment complex and paying 2 grand to move out just did NOT seem worth it. so. i’m here for another year. i’m irritated because i really wanted to start saving money, but it wasn’t meant to be. i’ll be okay, i always am. winter is so stressful with the extra heating bills. i’m always scraping pennies together. i’m a college student though, so what could i expect?

it’s finals week. i really have hardly studied for anything because i SUCK but i’m trying. i’m so bad at school this semester because with 19 credits, i just had to work SO HARD and i just want christmas. i have a trillion observation hours to do this break, but it’s not like that’s something i really mind. i’m just desperate for a break. i’m proud of how hard i worked this semester. 7 classes isn’t easy and i really had to stay focused and drag myself to class everyyyyyyyyday to do well. and i did. i mean, that’s a lot more discipline than i thought i even had in me! but i just want christmas. and i also have bought NOTHING haha, so i need to shop shop shop next week but i also need to make money this weekend and sell my textbooks. i’m such a procrastinator! and everything online kind of stinks this year. which is way disappointing!

but, i’m excited for christmas. i have my dinky little christmas tree in my apartment, and my little gingerbread house that looks like it’s been through a tornado, but that’s not what makes it christmas. christmas is being home. and being with my family. and not being in my apartment watching teen mom 40 minutes away. i love the indepedence of my own apartment, and that everything’s mine and my parents aren’t on my case always, but i can’t help but miss them DESPERATELY when they’re not around. i can’t believe i’m 21. i sound like i’m 11.

but for the record, i have the WORST taste in friends. i feel like i try so hard to make myself emotionally available for people and then they’re never there. i’m always just taking care of everyone else. when alaina and devan were falling apart, who came over right away? who was there for her? who drove to quakertown all the time to see her? but now that i text her to just say hey and catch up, she ignores my texts for four days. like, i’m sorry that i’m not going bar hopping with you, because i’m too busy trying to make something of myself, and can’t be staying up all night because i have class the next day. i might not be the fun drunk party friend, but the last time i checked, those friends ARE NEVER there when it matters. they love to go do shots with you, but they show up late to quentin’s birthday party and are always busy when you need them. i just don’t get it. when do people grow up? seriously. so i don’t know why i said friends, because i only have one friend i’m referring to. seriously, what a WASTE of my time.

rant over! :0)

but anyway. i hope your christmas is beautiful and your family is healthy and your finals go awesome! (if you have any?)

happy holidays!

for the record, financial issues make or BREAK relationships. i think all of the constant fighting is just too much for dan and i’s relationship to take. i have too much on my plate to deal with this! i just want to get good grades in school and pay my bills and get the HECK out of here. i’ve never done it by myself, i’m not sure how you even do, but i’m going to figure it out. i can be alone. i can live and do things by myself and figure it out along the way. i’m a strong person and i can get through it.

but oh my god. this is going to be ROUGH.