uh. sorry. that one was a depressing one. so let’s try this again.

thanksgiving was okay. it was nice being with my family. sad, obviously, because we miss my brother. but we’re just trucking through it i guess. i just wish he was here. the semester is finally over and i completed my LAST group of finals for my undergrad. i am so relieved because i could hardly even get myself to study for them because i’m just so over it. but, nonetheless, i got A’s on pretty much every single one and ended the semester with a 4.0. sigh of relief, that’s for sure.

i moved home. it was STRESSFUL! i mean, for a girl who lives in a one room apartment all by herself, i have a LOT of stuff. but i’m so relieved that i get to take a break from having to be so stressed about money constantly. i bought everyone really nice gifts this year which was nice because i’m used to such intense financial pressure. i’m really excited to work and actually be able to save it and for it to not be in one hand, out the other like in the past. ALWAYS.

things with dan are okay. better, luckily because i was getting a little frustrated. relationships are stressful! but things are okay now. things with my friends are all doing well too. things are honestly just good right now, as general of a term as that is. it feels nice! the only issue is that i’m not at my apartment anymore so i really don’t drink as much beer as i would like. i’m a girl who LOVES her beer. haha. ay yi yi.

but merry christmas! i hope whoever you are who reads this (because i know someone must) has a great holiday and spends it with people who make them smile and feel blessed. i’ll be doing that. i honestly couldn’t be anymore excited to give my friends and family their gifts. I’M GONNA EXPLODE. have a great one! :0)

happy thanksgiving.

honestly, i know i’m supposed to be relaxed and thankful right now.
but i’m not.

i’m so sick of working so hard in school and getting NOTHING in return. i work so hard for these stupid A’s and my professors and all still rude and inconsiderate. i work at this stupid weekend job and feel like getting money is such a problem, yet spending it happens so quickly that i don’t know what to do. i love my boyfriend but he drives me INSANE. every day is just another day of me wondering whether or not we’re really supposed to be together. none of my friends are in the same place as me right now. i have NO friends at school because i have NOTHING in common with anyone. go figure. my stomach is in knots about my life and my future and what the i’m ever even doing. i hate being in this house and all it does is remind me of my brother and i can’t handle it. i’m so mad at god and i can’t figure out how to make myself feel better. i can’t believe that my brother is gone sometimes. just like that. i know it’s almost a year but i still can’t believe it sometimes. it’s not getting any easier. i’m just so frustrated.

i don’t know what the FUCK is going on anymore. i’m so freaking lost and i have to get out of here.

Hey there!

Things are alright lately. School is COMPLETELY too much to handle, I have so much work to do. I mean, i SHOULD be writing a position paper right now, but i just can’t stay focused. It’s just so absolutely weird. But anyway, we had the most random awful storm last weekend, and i FINALLY just got my cable and internet back. I was honestly suspecting to be without it for so much longer, but it’s back up and running! Things with my friends are awful. I feel like i honestly have no real friends. At all. Isn’t that sad? I know. I just feel like everyone is so different than me and starts off so great, and then they’re always complaining. They’re being so unreliable. So not a true friend. It sucks, but it’s whatever. Things between Dan and I are alright. I just wish the boy could make decisions and I feel like had the initiative that other people do. I don’t know, I just feel like he has no idea what he wants to do and he’s always complaining about Friendly’s and he’s just gonna complain forever. I don’t know. I just feel like it’s so hard to keep your head up in relationships after a while. I feel like it’s so hard to just be a girlfriend, weird enough. But honestly, I don’t know how to NOT be one either.

But, it’s finally November! Which i’m so excited about because I freaking hated October and I don’t even want to think about it ever again. It got so so cold, and I really don’t mind. I prefer sweaters and boots to tank tops and shorts anyway. I’m just so ready for the end of this semester. I want to graduate NOW.

I’ll write soonie!

my whole post got deleted. i’m real good with technology.

i’m tired of school. i feel really uncomfortable. i feel really alone. my head is constantly pounding.i’m dreading the 23rd. but it’s going to come, either way. all i want to do is sit and lay.

but.

i’m healthy. i’m alive. i’m receiving a great education. i have a lot of people who love me. i’m lucky to have the life that i do. i have so much to be thankful for.

i just need to get out of here.

http://www.xanga.com/media/xangaaudioembedplayer.swf?c=2&i=3984826&m=8ca1b

i just feel so awkward in my life right now. ugh.

hey!

so, fall is coming. the weather is getting cooler and i’m real ready for it. i know fall is going to be hard, especially this year. but i’m really eager to graduate. REALLY eager. i’m working my butt off in school, i feel like my work load is INSANE, but i’m going to get through it. always have, always will. things with my family are doing well, love them more than ever, not like that’ll ever change. my parents are going to a support group as of late for everything, and my mom really LOVES it. it makes me so happy, because she’s getting herself into something where she can not only help herself feel better, but she can help others too. those people are lucky to meet my parents, so i’m glad they’re responding so nicely to them. i just want my family to be happy.

i’m happy. as always. school is going well, work is going well, friends are going well, etc. sometimes i feel honestly AWKWARD because i feel like i have nothing in common with anyone at school. they are want to get drunk, sit around, and talk about how awesome college is. i don’t know…i just don’t think college is that awesome. i live in a crappy apartment, drive a crappy car, work tons of hours at an essentially crappy job (even though i do love all of these things!) and i’m just ready to graduate and just GROW UP. get a big girl job, big girl car, have a beautiful nice apartment/house and just get OUT. i have to do something more productive with my life. i’m so grateful for the life that i’ve been blessed with, but i’m also 22. it’s time to become an adult, you know?

but! here’s my goals for this fall:

1. carve a really GREAT pumpkin. like, professional quality.
2. drink one of these.
3. get a 4.0. pretty sure this is going to turn into a 3.7 pretty quickly, buttttt, aim high!
4. buy a pair of hunter rain boots.
5. see a LOT more of my friends that i don’t see enough. aka erin and dina. i’m obsessed with my best friends.
6. lose the 5 pounds i’ve been trying to lose for 2 years. (this is highly doubtful. HIGHLY)
7. get through october 23rd through december 19th without having a COMPLETE nervous breakdown.
8. get a letter of recommendation from one of my professors.
9. have an AWESOME halloween costume. preferably sassy from homeward bound. :0)
10. be thankful and kind and compassionate and polite to everyone, even the people who don’t treat me the same way back.

happy fall! drink a pumpkin iced coffee and eat cookies. it’s like, NECESSARY.
and also, check out young statues! they’re so good and my best friend’s cousin!

http://www.xanga.com/media/xangaaudioembedplayer.swf?c=2&i=3983291&m=5de83

oh hey!

so, school has started. i’m busy, obviously, but really love all my classes. i mean, i’m actually learning about all special education, all the time! i love it, so i’m happy. even if i’m always sitting in this same freaking chair CONSTANTLY doing homework. things with dan are okay…I DON’T KNOW. i love him, i’m just so confused about everything and i have such cold feet because of how lousy everything ended up between us before. i’m not making any rushed decisions, so i’m just kind of just taking it day by day. i’m nervous that i’m making the wrong choice, but i think whatever i’m supposed to do will present itself a little more clearly as time goes by. (hopefully)

work is going alright as well, i’m just busy! i’m excited for fall. summer was nice but all i really want to do is wear sweaters and get closer to student teaching, you know? i just really want to grow up. i want to graduate, move out of my parents house, and really just be an ADULT. i mean, i’m obviously nervous because i feel like i’m always just having to go at everything alone. i feel like everyone always has a million friends that they can move in with and are always able to just latch onto someone and never really has to just be ALONE. my best friends are NOT on the same page as me, my boyfriend is inconsistent, and i just feel really isolated. even though i want to, i don’t really trust dan enough to move in with him at this point, whether it would be more financially bearable or not. i just don’t want to make a mistake, even though i know everyone does.

all in all, i’m alive and breathing, so i’m happy. october 23rd is like creeping up, and just thinking about makes my eyes water. this is NOT going to be an easy year for anything, and i don’t know if any year is ever going to be easy again, honestly. i’m just taking it one day at a time.

hope things are the best for you! whoever you may be.

hello xanga.

so, camp is over. i cannot BELIEVE how fast 6 weeks went, and it honestly makes me really depressed to think that this was my last summer even working at kids. i really do love it. but, life goes on. i had a great time, and i worked with really awesome people and drank WAY too much beer. whoa. anyway, i start school this month and i’m DEVASTATED but i’m ready to graduate so i guess it’s necessary. dan and i and trying to work this whole thing out between us, so i guess we’ll see what happens. i’m COMPLETELY skeptical but i love him. i can’t help it. i didn’t save enough money at kids this summer but whatever. saving is freaking hard when you have so many bills and love clothes. geez. but i’m back at the bird every weekend so i’ll figure it out.

hope things are perfect with yaaa. :0)

hey! i have no idea what this update is going to be like.

i’m still not with dan. although, i’m still kind of seeing him and it’s kind of awkward and i don’t know what to think. i mean, i really don’t want to get back together with him but it’s hard to break the routine. i just don’t trust him. at ALL. i greatly doubt that the results of us getting back together will greatly differ than the past 5 times this has happened. ugh. butttt, kids is good. i’m BUSY, but it’s money and it’s nice to be busy. i never want to go back to school and i’m seriously depressed, but it’s okay. all i wana do lately is sleep and listen to lovedrug, honestly. i’m ready for august although kids is usually a good time. i just want to lay on the beach and have a break, you know? i wish boys and relationships weren’t constant DRAMA, and i wish i knew what the right thing to do was. i’m trying to really think about this experience and grow from it and i have an awful feeling i’m going to let my insecurity and loneliness ruin it. i am SO weak it’s actually kind of pathetic. but at least i admit it, right?

hope things are better for you, cause i am a WHINERRRR.

– marry me?