time for a gay entry.

in 3 months, i will be graduating. which is honestly one of the HARDEST things to believe. being that i’m always the youngest, i feel like, its hard to believe that im not going to be in highschool next year. and its even CRAZIER that in like, 5 months, i will be living in orange county, california. and my life will be completely different. i wont really be connected with my family AT ALL, which is a little hard to take. but i know it will definitely be good for me. and i’ll be leaving a lot of friendships and stuff, things that i’ve been building for the past 10 or so years of my life. and i’ll also be walking away from a two and half year long relationship. and won’t even be able to see my boyfriend on our three year anniversary. but im not going to lie, i am honestly doing something with my life that i have wanted to do ALL along. ever since i was a little girl, i always wanted to go back to the west coast and live for myself. i guess when you’re little, you just dont know how much you invest in your home town. even if its called quakertown. and everyone in it is pregnant or drugdealers.

but i’m not gona lie, i have had the time of my LIFE in this place. i grew up in close vicinity with ppl that honestly made my youth SO memorable. we played manhunt, sledded on trash can lids, went in open lots and probably got 100 ticks a SECOND, played in the snow when we were like 16, made lemonade stands, ripped our legs open, carved our name in swingsets, and always got nervous when we were at the park, because of all of those urban legends about the old lady who lived behind it who killed people. and even though honestly hardly ANY of us talk anymore, you really can’t take that stuff away. even if we end up on opposite sides of this world, some are successful, some aren’t, looking at the overgrown plant filled playground and hearing that STUPID icecream man song will always bring us back to eachother.

then there was my like, 2 years of richland. aka going out w/ everyone in my fifth grade class. and going out w/ john infante for WAY too long. we made volcanoes with baking soda, and really gay christmas ornaments for our family’s tree, which are ALL still on my tree around christmas. even though i want to like, throw them away. i was such a brat in elementary school, and as funny as it is, my group was DEFINITELY the mean girls. the girls who wore all the right clothes, knew all the right people, and made fun of EVERYONE who didnt fit in. and it really shocks me now, because it just really shows how much you can change throughout school. and fortunately, in fifth grade, i met the teacher that REALLY inspired me to teach, or at least one of them, mr. wolfinger, who still emails me to this day, and tells me how great i am. i know, i know, i know.

then there was like the 3 best and WORST years of my life. milford. 6th grade sucked, bc i had best friends who actually ended up drinking in 6th. freaking. grade. which is SO WEIRD. but i also met a lot of the friends that i am still friends with. who saw me change SO MUCH throughout the years. whoa! and i met another teacher, mrs. boerner, who is the SHIT. and was basically my ed intern teacher this year bc my actual one sucked. she is so adventurous, and makes me want to pursue being a history teacher, which is really my first love, and go all around the world and join the peace corps and do everything i want to bc thats what life is. doing things. even if you can’t afford them at the time. and heaven knows i can’t afford anything. 7th grade kind of didnt count. bc thats kind of like the middle year. and all i remember is having mr. wallace and how fat he was. im a brat. but 8th grade. HOLY CRAP. still a year that no year could ever compete with. aka meeting corkie and steph. and wearing my bathing suit over my clothes for crazy days. and being proposed to. puke. and 8th grade formal. and bugsy malone. and DAMN. such a good year all around. it was just one of those years that you didnt really appriciate enough until it was gone. i look back on it, and wish i could do it ALL again. scary movies and man hunt. and singing new found glory and annoying everyone. and hershey w/ mackenzie even though we all couldn’t STAND HER. and it was just too much. and that was the first year that i became all emo. yum. and we had mrs. bassett, who was also one of those teachers that made me realize how much i love history. and how much i want to teach it. she still comes to all of our choir concerts and tells me and natalie mulhall how successful we are going to be. and how beautiful we are. and always is so supportive. even though we haven’t been in her class for 4 years.

then HIGH SCHOOL. ohhhh geez. 9th grade was pretty much brutally KILLED by evan posch. but its okay. because i would NEVER take back that experience bc it made me realize how much you really have to not depend on boys. bc they’re never there when you need them. bc most of the time, they’re just trying to get ass. COOL. but my grades were stellar. i think i had a 4.0. not even lying. SO MUCH FOR THAT. summer before tenth grade, i met andrew orloski. which honestly, is one of those HUGE highlights. :0) so the whole year wasn’t THAT bad. 10th grade was a lot of friend stuff, and i guess it made me have to make new friends pretty fast. which is completely fine. bc it forced me to meet a lot of ppl who would stay with me all through highschool. and who would dance to fergalicious w/ me. and listen to me cry over gay ppl. puke. i went to senior prom, danced too much. really. and had a lot of fun w/ andrew. bc it was our first year. DUH. love birds. 11th grade, the shit. basically. even though i got in a lot of trouble w/ my parents like, EVERY DAY, really, that was the year that i got my license, and that i honestly think that i stopped caring about drama. and about girls who will never like you. no matter how hard you try. and that year, with andrews leaving, it was hard, but really made me realize how awesome just being with plain old friends can be. i got used by melissa, which kind of stunk, but fotunately, that was the way i met jon, josh, and justin. so i just stole them from her. bc im a brat. i had an AMAZING time at prom. even though all we did was watch the lion king after. and i had a LOT of fun w/ kris, merissia, and alaina. aka my staples. and i even had fun w/ troy, dan, and phil. you know, before troy became a manipulative brat. i patched things up with corkie, which meant a lot to me, and kind of just stopped caring, which led to complete peace in my life. and its crazy how that happens. you just loosen your hold, and things get that much easier. and last summer, kids was the best it was ever since it began. probably bc perv boys left, im guessing. but for once, we all pretty much really got along, which was nice. even though i hate the kids program SO MUCH sometimes. aka most of the time. haha. and senior year? definitely my best year. i feel so lucky, because i’m really fortunate to have TONS of groups that i feel SO comfortable with. i can be with ppl and have more fun that i feel like anyone could. senior trip was the SHIT. i have never gotten so drunk w/o any alcohol, or gotten front on so many rides. i realized i was really good at yodeling. and slept even though there was a ghost in our room. i threw surprise parties for 2 of my best friends, even though krissy kind of knew. i got really close with devin and courtney. aka HUGE parts of my life. now and forever. i went to poker nights with josh jon and justin. even though justins kind of gay, and josh is a girl. jon is and will be continuously one of my best friends. kris merissia and alaina are and will always be some of the most comfortable ppl in my life. for once in my life, i have a friendship of substance. where we can play, and be serious, and accept eachother. and i really never had that before. and i feel so grateful for that. even though we all have boyfriends, i know that if i ever needed any one of them, they would be right there w/ open arms for me. and duh. my older friends. aka my role models. exactly who i want to be when i’m their age. they’ve accepted me since i was 14 years old, and always let me tag along with them, even when i was young and gay. they carted me around, and listened to me complain, and have all cared about me no matter WHAT. they have been so stationary for the past few years. i love them. and andrew? hello. i love him. no one in this world really understands. but i dont think WE even understand. but all i know is that no one can make me laugh harder. and there is no one in the world who i can NEVER have a comeback for. haha, really. he was a LOT of my firsts, including my first love. and even though everyone in the world thinks we fight too much, that we’re not compatible, that both of us could do better, FORGET THAT. we have been through hell and high water, fights galore bc we’re both bullheaded, and dramadramadrama, i love andrew more than anything. i appreciate more than ANYTHING just going to mcdonalds with him and laughing at how UGLY he looks when he smiles real big (clown), and yelling at him bc he buys ‘roids, and almost getting in car accidents for him. and it feels so nice to just have such a sense of security. who in the world would buy their girlfriend full cakes for valentines day? no one. we’ve had close calls, you’re right, i’m not going to lie. things have gotten really hard, its gotten to the point where we both just became a little restless, but the sparks are NOT gone. we never have “ordinary” times together. we’re never bored. its just as exciting as it was 2 and a half years ago. and we’re so lucky for that. i want to be with him forever. in the same town, 2 hours away, or 6 hours away. and everyone thinks we’re CRAZY, and that we won’t make it. but we’ve surprised everyone thus far, so lets just show off a LITTLE more. u know, just be THAT perfect. heaven knows we’re capable of it. PWNED.

as emo as i can be sometimes, and how hard things can sometimes be, i can’t believe how much i have in my life.
thanks for that. bc most likely, if youre reading this, you were in this. duh.

so. i am tan. i had TOO much fun in disney. really. i’m graduating in 3 months. i’m accepted to college. in southern california. i’m in love more than i can like, TAKE. today is the first day of spring. hopefully i’ll be getting a job ($$$). i ate a whole pint of ben and jerrys last night and hung out w/ my bestfuckingfriend<3. musical is gay but i dont care. things are so good right now. and i am happier than i can express. :0)

i hope things are great w/ u. lets go to kids castle! DUH.

okay, so im not going to lie, things arent really that amazing in the friend department as of late. and i guess i kind of wonder “WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE PROBLEMS W/ MY FRIENDS WHO ARE GIRLS” and then it all comes back to usually one problem: boys. cool.

well i just got finished watching the hills. and i like how it was a complete parallel to like, my life. i feel like i’ve really lost contact w/ my 3 SUPPOSED-TO-BE best friends. bc of boys. and i think that because i dont have a boyfriend who is in school w/ me, or that lives 10 minutes away, or who is willing to sacrifice their whole entire college experience by coming home every weekend, i dont really fit in with them. bc i dont like when i get stuck being the third wheel bc one of them decides to hang out w/ their boyfriend instead of going to winter formal, and leaves me w/ two couples. just so i have to leave early and miserable. and i also dont like when girls nights turn into hanging out w/ your boyfriend in the lobby while i hang out all by myself or close enough bc i dont like the ppl who are there. and its easy to dismiss it when you do it. but unfortunately, i dont have the luxury of even being able to blow off ppl for my boyfriend. because i only see him like, every three weeks or so. and it bothers me. bc you can’t be blown off if you’re just with your boyfriend all the time. but you can be blown off if you dont have that last resort. or that person to be with all the time.

i dont ask for much i dont think. but i do ask that i at least get attention from these ppl. and that i dont get QUICKLY replaced bc i speak out against a relationship that was doomed from the start. just because someone says one TRUTHFUL thing about a relationship, and their fears of what it is capable of doing, that doesn’t mean that you can push someone on top of them right away. and that ppl can do that, especially ppl who are supposed to be so “true”, it is kind of hard to really even understand how you could even care so much about anyone at all.

like dont get me wrong, i have friends that dont do this, but it just bothers me. how could i invest so much time in someone who obviously didnt even care? its just, i get kind of sick of getting taken advantage of, and then having to listen to them cry on the phone. like, im ALWAYS THERE, but do i get that luxury from you? no, i dont. and that bothers the hell out of me. bc for how long am i supposed to be the back burner? and the behind the scenes friend? im sick of girls. bc no matter what, every relationship is competition. it can never be an equal playing field. the fact that i met everyone last, that means that i’m automatically not first when it comes to how close you are to me. when in reality, shouldn’t it be the nights i spent staying up to listen to you complain? and the times that i gave you advice that i knew you wouldn’t listen to? and the times when i hung out w/ you when i could have ditched you for something better?

i am so sick of highschool.

so. today was a pretty tough day. im not going to lie.

this morning, my dad found my dog, and he passed away during the night. which is really hard. he was 13 years old, and didnt make any noises all night, so we’re guessing he just passed the best way to do it, in his sleep, with no suffering at all. i guess it kind of makes it easier to handle, knowing he died so peacefully, but, it doesn’t make it much easier to handle. i’ve had him since i was in preschool. its just hard to say goodbye. and its even harder to say goodbye when you dont even know when they’re leaving. but its okay. i guess thats just the cycle of life, right?

also, i didnt get the part in the musical that i wanted. hmph. i guess i could get REALLY PISSED AND OVERDRAMATIC about the whollle situation, like EVERYONE in the fucking choir, but, seeing as that i dont even like choir at all, hanging out at the school all the time to get a lead, would kindaaa suck. so i have like, a principal lead, not huge. alma hix? whatev. at least i can have a job. bc the leads will be PWNED once crunch time starts. hahahaha. sucks.

so, i guess today was one of those days that completely sucks, but i think it just makes you realize that you really can’t get everything you want. or even everything that you think you need. the house is really quiet now. and you can feel the kind of hollowness in the house, but i’m hoping it will get easier with time.

everyone take care.

there is a windchill that makes it feel like its -10 degrees. so we have a two hour delay tomorrow. ballin! i went to lancaster this weekend, ate 12 breadsticks, 2 chocolate covered nannies, drank a whole lot of bottled waters, and saw fear before the march of flames/murder by death/thursday. it was a spectacular show. but i still have the sharpie mark on my hand. pissed. i hate being in fights w/ people. so thankfully, thats all over and done, because i dont do awkward well, neither do i do well being anything but happy. tomorrow i have a choir festival and thats gay. and wednesday is musical auditions. and i wont get ANYTHING. i have a lot of hope in myself. dont u think! i’m glad that the colts won the superbowl. actually i dont really care bc i just wanted to see the commercial w/ the sad little yellow robot who commits suicide ANYWAY. my new semester is pretty gay. i hate liberals, and i hate stoners, but i love mr. mcquown and his little bit o honeys. and im really negative about everything pertaining school bc i just want to graduate and stay out all night. and play at kids castle. and then be in california next february in warm weather. SUCKERS. but on a lighter night, i have a cute little boyfriend. who i have been w/ for 29 months? we are OLDIES. the sex is good though. youre jealous.

but i love u and i really love the new deerhoof. im in that band.

so. things are okay right now, but i guess i’m kind of in a grumpy mood. that i just came from a morning star show DEFININTELY doesn’t haev anything to do with that. um. right. so lets talk about things that get me worked up. bc thats really all i use this thing for anyway, to vent. bc im a really angry person and i should just go and write a song. basically. :0)

morningstar shows honestly, are the epitome of things that get me angry. and i always say that i wont go to anymore of them. but come friday nights, i NEVER really know what to do. its either that, or like. not nothing, but, without a job, i’m always free. and the options always there. so i kind of always disregard how much i hate it and try to have a good time. i used to love all shows so much, but really, i do believe they are something that you eventually grow out of. the kids are disgusting, and honestly proud of being so. reeking of smoke, and probably paying more for their beat up ugly clothes at hot topic than i could ever afford to buy for anything. and not only do they look like douchebags, they just are. at such a young age, they honestly have TERRIBLE attitudes, and mosh pits, bands w/ bad attitudes, and the enormous pressure to smoke/drink/do drugs doesn’t help at all. its honestly like these kids are given NO chance to even become kind of good people. if you walk into the environment, and are young and impressionable, it just happens. it happened to me. i bought those same little shirts, and said the same little things, and thought i was tough shit too. and then i just woke up and realized it wasnt really worth it anymore. none of it was.

but the real kicker of the situation is that along w/ the studded belts and and lip rings comes another trendy accessory, jesus christ himself. anyone who is anyone knows that all the really cool scene kids believe/worship/are crazy about him. which is really enough of a problem in itself. i personally believe religion is one of the BIGGEST jokes. i’m not trying to toot my own horn, but i think i’m a pretty okay persno. i think i’m respectful to people deserve it, and make pretty good decisions. i’ve lied to my parents, made fun of people who didnt deserve it, and cursed, but its not like i’ve ever done anything unforgivable. or even close to that bad. and none of that is thanks to any religion/church/youth group/youth leader/etc. none of it. i was born catholic and confirmed and havent done much w/ it. but. tonight, it really proved to me, why religion is SUCH A CROCK OF SHIT.

so. ALL the emo kids know all about invisible children. so, if you’re reading this, youre probably emo enought to know about it. i’m not speaking any harsh words towards the cause, but i truly do believe that there are many charities out there, and once one gets so much publicity, especially within a music scene (and especially in one such as…impressionable as ours) you begin to wonder really what peoples motives are. if these kids were really given the opportunity to help, would they? open ended question. because im really not sure. so go on any scene kids myspace, and you’ll see OMFG HELP THE INVISBLE CHILDREN LOLOLWTFOMG and that is all well and good. but really. WHAT are you doing to help? are you donating money? no. are you writing to government or important people to make them aware of this tragedy? no. are you doing anything that could maybe even bring some productivity to the cause? no. you’re hopping on the bandwagon. and i just feel that way. bc. i do. and maybe its because i’m a brat. so. fine. i’ll take it. but all i know, is that tonight, a man came into morningstar, compliments of eric s. and i guess the guy looked a little funny, but you can tell this man is not your normal guy. he has married a woman from zambia, and one step at a time, they are trying to take african girls out of the sex industry in which they are forced to join in order to support their families. and although they have not too much money, fuel, anything they need, they’re trying to at least help a few people. and what i just told you, probably i was the only one who was REALLY listening. all of those kids who LOVE supporting the invisible children, they were in the back, yelling, laughing, making fun, or some other bullcrap. and you know what? that really fed me up. because, i’m going to be honest, this guy could be a big huge fake, but that has NOTHING to do w/ it.. it has to do w/ the parallels in which the invisible children and the story in which he was talking about held. how could you care SO much for one thing and not at all for another? something has to give. dont make yourself out to be a saint if you really dont care.

because theres people like me, that actually do. and this girl, i swear, will one day make a difference.
your myspaces and xangas? i’m not sure if they will have the same future.

end rant.

you want to know why exactly i hate quaketown?
let me show you, evidence a.
http://www.nbc10.com/newsarchive/10671755/detail.html#

not only do the stupid little punks smoke, but they are also COINCIDENTLY the kids who dont take showers, and who smell up the hallways. thank GOODNESS that all of those kids go to local shows, talk shit on me/everyone who isnt a complete retard, and totally ruin what LITTLE is left of maybe a decent music scene in this town. everything has, and will continue, to fall to ruins. and not only do the stupid douchebags NOT LISTEN when cops are honestly trying to help the environment, and their STUPID PREPUBECENT LUNGS, because obviously they are too STUPID to realize that smoking isnt just the cool thing to do w/ dirty, punk rock kids, it also causes MILLIONS of deaths every week, and is the number one preventable death EVER. these kids are fighting with the LAW, acting like they can sway them, like they sway their dirty, drugdealing parents.

and that, is exactly why, i’m moving to california. i hate trash.

 
when you can’t hold on, hold on.

its been quite the few years.
who would have thought that it would still be like this?

new years is never everything everyone really cracks it up to be. unfortunately, my plans fell through, like they usually do. but if i can’t spend new years with my best friend, i’ll spend it all by myself. i really dont need to hang out w/ people who a) i really dont care about or b) really respect very much, just for the sake of having something to do. but thank you for the invites. i’m comfortable enough with just being by myself, even if i guess ringing in the new year all by yourself looks REALLY pathetic. but really, just laying in bed watching movies seems like an okay way to ring it in, personally. at least i wont wake up tomorrow morning and not even know what i was doing.

i feel like i have a lot of decisions ahead of me with a lot. and its hard, because my friends are probably really annoyed w/ me because all i do is talk about myself, and for that, i’m really sorry. its hard, because i feel like i come off more self-centered than anything, but i promise thats not really the truth. i’m trying my best to be there for everyone though. so, if i feel a little distant lately, im sorry. i just have my whole future, blankly looking right at me. and my grandmom/one of the best people i’ve ever known is so, not alright right now. and it hurts me so badly. i went to church all by myself for the first time in years, just to sit all by myself on a pew and just try to make jesus understand that it really ISNT her time to go. she still wants to be here. she still has so much to do. its not fair. i know he has tons of people to listen to everyday, but i can’t scream, all i can do is just talk to him, hoping that my quiet prayers are loud enough to be heard. i know he heard them though. i just can’t take my mind off of the fact that my grandmom is so sick, and all of her children are honestly just splitting up what she owns, just so they can benefit from her not being here anymore. how can people be like that? especially when thats your mother? when they’ve done everything that they could for you? given up so much, and loved you, through out everything? she deserves so much more than shes getting. and thats what kills me the most. empty, rude, ungrateful people get EVERYTHING. and the people who go from day to day w/ the bear minimum, yet never complain once, and are COMPLETELY content, are always slighted. my grandmom never even talks about being sick. she’d rather talk about how i’ll be such a great teacher. and how pretty i am. and what a good driver i am. and how much she loves the UGLY gingerbread houses i make for her.

and i know that was really whiny, and you dont have to comment, or any of that. i just need to get it out. i never talk about anything. not because i dont trust people, but because, there really is nothing to say. all i want to do is be happy. and positive. and its hard. because things arent that great right now. and yes, i HAVE had my period for like, EVER. so the pms is endless. sorry about that. i was never really good w/ being verbal w/ what is going on in my life. and thats just the way i am. my best friends are just fine at being my best friends. and by that, i mean, they dont go “why dont you ever tell me anything?” and say “whats wrong?” all the time. they can hug me and know that i’m okay, as long as i have them. and that means a lot. i have so much, and that means so much to me. i’m so blessed. and i know that. nothing is perfect, but nothing is wrong enough to the extent that it cannot be fixed. so how lucky could i possibly be?

this year is a year for the books. i will be turning 18, although it will really change nothing, and i will be stepping out of qhs, and not being the “innocent, goody-two shoes” and i will be able to be jennifer savage, even if that means nothing at all. sure, i’m glad that im not like “jenn, the skank,” but i’m so much more than that girl who drinks sprite instead of southern comfort, and would be willing to wake up at 4am, if it means that i could drive someone home safely. thats not being “goody goody,” in my opinion, i think its being compassionate. …thats just me though. but hopefully, the people in san diego will see that, too. because really, thats all that matters.

i hope everyone has a great new years eve. and although i have no cell phone right now, i’m gonna try and call people to wish them one. haha.
god bless all of you.

for christmas, i got a laptop. and im on it. HECK YEA. i also got a digital camera and a lot of stuff. i think i’m really proving to my parents that i’m not a bad kid, even tho i did lie about TOO much for a while there, which i’m not proud of. im trying to weed out all the bad stuff. bc i really care SO much about my family. and i want to make them realize that i make good decisions. i just mess up sometimes too.

i spent all my christmas money. and i think i might go to christmas party tonight. idk what i’m doing for new years eve. last night, i watched the devil wears prada and got a VANILLA milkshake. pissed. i beat my parents at monopoly on christmas, and i got a beauty and the beast comforter for my bed. it was good! my dad got my mom a ring and lots of clothes and shes really happy. and its all good in the neighborhood.

kiss me when it strikes midnight on new years eve.

i wanted to believe in all the
words that i was speaking as
we moved together in the dark.

what is love?
is it buying flowers and remembering anniversaries? is it being able to lay around with the person and still feel fufilled? is it being able to be naked in front of them and not care? is it knowing what is good for the person, even if they dont know it themselves? is it being able to be together every day without getting bored? is it getting fights but always coming back to eachother? is it being able to be with eachother, and have fun, without saying one word? when in reality, there probably is just nothing to talk about?

i dont agree w/ any of that. if anything, i dont see one relationship around me that isn’t completely, absolutely, the most ridiculously suffocating thing ever. fighting, but then “having” to go back to the person? forgiving cheating? making the person feel bad for actually having something other than them? sex everyday, and not knowing their favorite color? you love one person, but really want to be with someone else? not having the courage to walk away. dealing w/ crap after you really dont want to deal with it anymore. having to carry 2 sets of problems on your shoulders? “i love him, but i dont know if its right for me anymore?”

if that is love, then please, count me out.