xanga, everyone hates you but me. so don’t worry. i’m still here!

so honestly, my life was REALLY stressful last week. like i had a lot of douchebag boys all over me. and it was hard because all of the mistakes that i have made kind of walked up to me and tapped me on the shoulder all over again. along with like, way too many hours at red robin, and tons of stuff at school. but i’m feeling a lot better about things as of late. so i definitely cannot complain. i’m on a break with chopper, because he was kind of saying the “i love you” a little quicker than i felt like i could handle. i really like him, but i don’t want to like, jinx it i guess. and i needed to take out the trash before i really start a serious relationship. which i know that i want to have with him. so! things are good with us. red robin is really good. even though i get REALLY overwhelmed, i feel like i’m finally getting the handle on serving. and i made like close to 200 bucks in tips in two days. soooooo. today i’m getting a pedicure and buying undies! :0) haha. sounds good. and choppers coming home on friday and we’re going to a wedding. and of course i have a pretty dress. isn’t that a given though!? things are good. it seems like whenever i feel like my life is seriously falling apart, things always put themselves back together. and i’m REALLY thankful for that. and i’m glad that i don’t get snippy at guests at work bc “i really need a cigarette” haha OWNED. but anyway, i’m looking really forward to green bean cassarole and kissing chopper. i hope things are really good w/ ANYONE who reads this. whoever that is. even if ur like, from cali or florida or dont even know what i look like!

take care!

oh and ps.
dc, prepare to be fucking john tuckered.
no one, and i mean NO ONE, messes with me and gets out untouched.
i see a new relationship blooming…

hi there. :0)
so! my life as of late is as follows.

i got my best friend back. i blocked andrew orloski completely out of my life. i’m training to be a server at the red robin near target. rosemaries is closing. i’m kind of broke. but i spent like, 100 bucks on new clothes anyway. i really want new ugg boots. maroon 5 is kind of my favorite band. my brother is moving out november 1st. my boyfriend is really sick. but he doesn’t have mono. god bless. he comes back in less than a month for 2 weeks. i don’t eat carbs anymore. at first it was a dare, but i’m seriously trying to lose the love handles. all i do anymore is school and work i feel like, but its all good. i’m happy. i have really weird dreams anymore. i got my car back! black and red. “baby, i’m an anarchist!” at the end of the semester, i’m applying to west chester for next fall. wish me luck. i hope all the hard work is worth it. i have a night class tonight. its like, 1 degree out so i’m not trying to go. but we all KNOW that i will. bc i’m just that much of a bad ass. i can’t wait utnil my hair grows really long. so i can be a hippy. i carved a pumpkin to look like chopper. it’s cuz i creep. have a really great halloween!

we’d look good side by side.

things are crazy anymore.

my car is almost fixed. i’m in the hole for money, but whatever. i visited chopper in florida for the weekend. it seriously feels so nice to fall this hard again. so nice. i have come to terms with my andrew situation. i don’t want to be with him, but i know i don’t want to lose him completely. i’m trying to figure it out. hearts are really complicated. i can’t look at any boy i ever kissed and not feel a pang of regret. just because i feel it doesn’t mean that i’m still in love with them. it just means that i’m human. if things end, they must have ended for a reason. and that transcends romantic relationships. i believe that it includes all of them.

i’m not swimming in wealth of just about anything. i’m not the prettiest, richest, most popular, or smartest. but i’m not going to lie. i have a boyfriend who is honestly everything i would ever want in a boy. i started going out with him, IMMEDIATELY irritated by the fact that he didn’t like kissing and wasn’t all over me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. and now that i look back on it, i’m so glad that i stuck to my gut instinct. i knew that he was worth it. just to hear his voicemails saying “i just called because i want to let you know that i think you’re perfect. and i can’t wait to see you” and just to wake up being held is so nice. and i like the fact that i can sit there talking about how i hate foods that are white for like, 3 hours. and he still likes me. uh? and i have great friends who i know love me more than i deserve. they deal with me when i’m at my worst, and will see me even if i’m a grumpbot. the support of my family is honestly the most important thing in my life. it feels so nice for everything to be in its place again. for so long, it was such a struggle, and everything just feels so reassured now. it all feels so comfortable. it’s spectacular.

i saw minus the bear last night and i can’t stop listening to them.
and i have a test tomorrow, but i’m visiting merissia at rosemaries instead.

have a great night.

let me try it again.



Don’t be afraid.
wake up with a smile on your face.


take chances. refuse to let anything
or anyone get the best of you. don’t try and explain the unexplainable.



laugh alot. sing out loud. be yourself. introduce the world to the real
you.


stop taking the little things in life for granted.


say sorry. stay
mad. let yourself love. let yourself be loved in return. fall in love
with someone who’s your best friend.


meet someone new. conquer your
fears. believe in the impossible. be dumb. break the unbreakable.


lay
outside and stare at the stars. don’t say things you don’t mean. don’t
forget who’s been there for you through it all.


stay close with people
you need the most. smile. accept hurt. move on.


skip class. sleep in. even if you are late for
work. break all the rules every now and then.


tell your friends how
much they mean to you.

thank your parents when
they do something for you.


love with all you’ve got. be able to laugh
at yourself.


do karaoke. dance. try new things. spend your money on the
things that make you happy, that you really don’t need.
 

tell the truth. hold on to
your dreams. learn to not care about what other people say or think.

always keep your faith. watch thunderstorms. cherish your past. forget
short cuts. take the long way.


put yourself
out there. kiss slowly. hold on to the memories.


believe in fate.
surprise someone. be strong. don’t look back. start over.

don’t let an
opportunity pass you by. never forget where you came from.


get as far
away as you can, at least once. take a roadtrip. forget old loves.


party hard. stay out late. take silly pictures. talk to old friends.
accept the “meant-to-be.”

don’t try and be perfect. live your life to
the fullest. have no regrets.

in life we do things: some we wish we had
never done,
some we wish we could play a million times in our heads,

but they make us who we are.
And in the end,
those experiences shape
every detail about us.
If we were to reverse any of them,
we wouldn’t
be at the same place that we’re at today.
         


                    

i’m the queen of over analyzing. seriously.

so, my life has pretty much been work and school. i don’t really mind.
staying busy keeps me out of trouble. aka sticky situations.
it really bothers me that i smell him everywhere. yikes.
butttttt. i’m applying at lowes after rosemaries, and doing my best to get AWESOME GRADES
so schools will have no problem accepting me when i decide it’s time to transfer.
is it weird that i have problems calling people my “best friends?”
i feel like everyone rushes to it, and it ends up seriously meaning NOTHING in the end.
the song “your bruise” by death cab is seriously beautiful. i think i forgot.
even though i’ve been repeatedly told what a shit girlfriend i am, i know i’m a good one.
even though i know i kind of stray sometimes, i can honestly say that i am thoughtful.
but i’m ready for the cold weather. and scarves. and ugg boots. and christmas.
aka a month with my boyfriend. THANK YOU.

but i know that no one reads this anymore. its just a documentation of my own life.
i’m alive. i’m well. nothings dead. nothings bleeding.
i’m just ready for a change of scenery. ya smell me?

oh lord. here comes the aftermath.

so i’m pretty sure that what i’m feeling is something called “regret“:

i have done a lot of things in the past few months that PROBABLY weren’t the best idea.
ie. dating someone for two weeks, and deciding i was ready to handle a long distance relationship from fl to pa.
and i keep telling myself “i promised him i would stay with him. i told him i’d be there. i can’t break up with him.”
and for some reason, whenever i say it, i feel like i’m lying to myself.
i’m eighteen years old, and i’m forcing a commitment with someone because i feel OBLIGATED.
isnt that what you’re supposed to do when you’re like…married? UGH.
so i just dont know what to do. i can’t hurt him. but at the same time, what about me?
its not even about andrew anymore. or about anything else but us anymore.
i honestly was scared to go out with him because i felt like i was still too in love with andrew.
and honestly, that’s the LEAST of the problem. and that’s good, right?
but when you have a boyfriend who “doesn’t do the phone” and who never has anything to say,
how on EARTH are you supposed to manage to make this work?
i feel really underappreciated. and i’m not sure if this is just how boys are. or if i’m missing out on something.
or maybe, throughout it all, it’s what i deserve/need?

i’m SO torn. i hope i figure this out before 11pm on friday. YIKES.

xoxoxo.

i owe you, don’t i?
the new minus the bear is freaking INCREDIBLE. shit.
chopper comes home to visit in a week.
dan leaves for full sail today. i wana puke.
sometimes people lie to you and they will continue if you let them.
sometimes, you have to learn that it’s just better if its over.
i hurt my car. now i have to pay to get it repaired. pissed!
i want to start doing some construction to work on myself.
i want to be the person i know i can be. its about time.

xoxoxo

so this month has been really crazy. i’ve gotten completely screwed by some of my friends, screwed over others, lost friends, gained friends, had second thoughts about friends, had sudden realizations about friends. i’ve regretted, and i’ve been comfortable. life is just really weird. sometimes, i think things get shown in a different light, and you realize that the people you thought were so permanent just aren’t so permanent anymore. and it’s not like thats a bad thing either. people grow. people change. life goes on.

my number 1 priority is school right now. so this time next year, i’ll be at temple. making new friends.
but for right now, i still love them. each and every one of them. one in particular. klm.<3

summer photo montage goes as follows:

onto another year…

i’m confiding in this because i know that no one really reads this anymore. so its probably the only way i can get what i want out, and not be like burned at the stake or shit talked on.

i’m having major problems with letting go of people. i think i’ve always kind of had this problem, but especially with my exboyfriend, i’m REALLY feeling it. i know i have no necessary emotional commitment to him. after what we went through, after just the way he treats me as of late, there is no reason why i should feel obligated to worry about his feelings or any of it. but i do. and everyone’s always saying “jenn, just ignore it. ignore his calls. ignore him” and you know what? i’m going to be completely honest. i just can’t. i don’t know how someone can gracefully abandon someone like that. and i have seen time and time again, people are able to just break up with people, and honestly care less about them. they can just move onto the next person, and shut the book. and i dont know if it’s because i’m not like a veteran at this. i haven’t had that many serious relationships, but i just can’t disregard someone like that. especially someone that i was in love with like i loved andrew. even if things turned out the way that they did. and i know i can’t muster a relationship out of the remains of the relationship. the wounds are still sore. the issues are still there. we don’t agree on much of anything. and we never really did. we agreed that we cared a lot about eachother. and now that the relationship is over, there’s nothing to really say anymore. there’s just a lot of silence. i always want to call, but what do i say? i’m sorry we fell apart? i’m sorry that i obviously wasn’t good enough? it just hurts because when you’re in a relationship for a while, you see the long run. you see the relationship working. why would you want to think differently? it’s just scary to know that one minute, things are perfect. the next minute, everything is fallen apart.

i think this is something that i’ll learn from.

“You scratch our backs, we’ll scratch yours.”

“Well, funny thing about my back, is it’s located on my cock.”

hi! i went to the beach. got creeped on by a ginger. bought sweet glasses. sang “the potential breakup song” NON STOP. owned the ocean. JUMP IT…LOUDER. got chopper a sweet gift.  got owned in ddr. ate tons of junk food. stole a turtle. ate ice cream at three am. played truth or dare without cheating. and then i didnt have to work the day i came home. yum. thursday, i’m off to see my boyfriend in floridaaaaa. i miss him a lot. five days! i got my classes at bucks. all in newtown. hi. i’m owned. i saw superbad twice. i’m trying to see it more. yeah, believe the hype. it’s really THAT good. i’m ready to start school, and apply to universities. even though i’m pretty sure i’m trying to b-tri-c it for the rest of the year. i’m not ready to be on my own yet. minus the bears remixed album is spectacular. i hate rainy weather. but i love the new halo3 mountain dew. haha. GAMERZ<3. peace out.