Alright. So I’ll try to make this not absolutely devastating.

Life is okay. As okay as things are going to be for a while. I had a few rough weeks, really busy with things that I didn’t even want to face, but now I’m back to working towards what I know is important. I’ve done observation hours at Martin Luther Silver Springs in Blue Bell and I’m in love. Even though these kids come in with black eyes and have seen a world I’m lucky enough to not have had to witness, they laugh and they joke and try to make the best out of everything. They’re hope and ambition makes me tear up just thinking about it. I always thought I wasn’t the kind of girl who would really do well in an intercity school, but I’m started to rethink that for sure. If there’s one thing I want to do in my life, I want it to be something I wouldn’t have ever thought I was “cut out” for. The kids deserve someone who is willing to put their everything into them. Absolutely amazing.

Anyway. I’m COMPLETELY broke. It’s like absolutely disgusting but now more than ever, I’ve realized that money means NOTHING. Nothing means anything. One day, it’s all gone and all you have is the things that you’ve accomplished. Not the 40 dollar mascaras, the vintage dresses, and the other bullshit. It all means nothing. I’ve learned that the hard way. And God, I wouldn’t wish this upon anyone.

I’m excited to go back to school. I’m excited to just get closer to getting on with my life. Getting good grades is fun, but it feels empty. I just want to feel like I’m really accomplishing something, you know? I want to graduate and see the proud look on my parents face. It kills me that Bill won’t be there, but I know he’s here. He’s always going to be here. He’s my brother, no matter where he is. It’s just difficult to think of life without him. I can’t though. I can only take one day at a time. Opening his christmas gifts made me cry, and just seeing his handwriting on the tags “To Jenn Love Bill” made my heart sink. Life is just so unfair. I know this is terrible, but I’ve never doubted God so much. And I don’t care what anyone says. Fuck plans. God’s plan was wrong. And I don’t care how many people say “Trust in God” and “God Bless You” because it’s bullshit and I just refuse to believe in someone who would do something that would rip a life away from someone who deserved it. Called his parents every day, drank about twice a month, had a full time job and just got offered a promotion, married for a year. Yup. Great plan God.

Enough angst. I know it’s immature. But I’m so emotional and I just miss him and it’s hard. I’m lucky to have had him as a brother and I’m lucky that I know he’ll always be with me. But. Ugh.

Well, I have a full weekend of work and sooooooooo many more observations to do but I’m sure I’ll write in her again eventually.

Please go call your family and remind them how much you love them. Please do it for me.