i’m not sure exactly how all of this is gonna come out.

i kind of think i have seasonal anxiety! weird. i just feel like i’m at such a crossroads right now. like usually, i’m really laidback about things. i try not to get too overwhelmed with school, or really take too much to heart because i know life just happens. which i kind of still feel like. but all of a sudden. my decisions have really showed how truly important they are. i mean, i’m not living a perfect life, obviously. but like, just seeing my former classmates strung out at the diner, and hearing everyone tell me how much they could care less about their grades, or even going to school for that matter, really makes me realize that i might be kind of uptight about all of this, but i know it’s for a reason. i really buckled down this semester, did the extra papers, put in the time to get really good grades, and i’m really proud of it! i did good, and it’s because i worked really hard. it’s not because i had easy classes, because heaven knows that was HARDLY the case, but rather, it was because i really deserved it. which just makes me proud. even if that’s kind of lame.

granted, i know i do raise my blood pressure a little TOO high sometimes. with no college being good enough, i stress myself out to the point of tears because i know that the gpa i have will never be high enough for something. yeah, it’s okay for kutztown, but what about west chester? well, it’s good enough for west chester, but what about temple? well what about the college of new jersey? well, what about berkeley? i know i do need to really set my sights on something that’s achievable, but it’s just so hard, because i really know that i really have the potential to do so much. and i seriously want to do it. all.

and i do like dan, but i still think about chopper. every once in a while, usually in passing, i think about andrew. it’s not like i have regret. i just have problems keeping the book closed. it’s not like i don’t want to. it’s not like i don’t KNOW that i need to, it’s just hard for me. i’m working on it. but i’m pretty sure that i might always have to work on it. i know andrews obviously NOT the one for me. and i also know that on paper, chopper is perfect, but the chemistry just isn’t there. it’s just always hard to completely snuff out the flame. i just always feel like it’s there.

christmas is this week. i have SO many things to do before thursday. it’s going to be stressful but i know that it will be worth it. that’s for sure. i’m just kind of sad lately, i’m not sure why. i think it might be the lack of sun. or something. so i’m going to go tanning soon because i feel like it may help. but anyway. i just needed to kind of vent. and now i feel much better. :0)