i just watched 27 dresses. and i don’t know why, but like, chick flicks NEVER make me feel good. and i’m not quite sure why. actually, i am quite aware why they don’t. this whole entire “haha, commitment just isn’t my thing…” isn’t funny anymore. i’m sick of telling people that i’m kind of like a “guy” when it comes to relationships. i’m sick of freaking backing out of things when they get too serious. sometimes, i seriously just get so nervous that if i keep doing this, i’m going to be alone forever. every time things get a little serious, i’m just going to back out. and i don’t want that. i don’t want flings for the rest of my life. i don’t want to be alone. i want that kiss on the forehead before i go to sleep. i want the flowers on anniversaries. i want the reassuring handhold. i want it. and i’m sick of the fact that i’m never satisfied with anything anymore. i am so sickened with what i have become. it’s not funny anymore. it’s not cute anymore. i just want to be back to that really annoying in love girlfriend. and i have no idea how to get back there. because now, when i see that, it repulses me. i listened to bremmer das today, and i seriously wanted to throw up. i put everything into the most stupid, trite relationship. and now i have nothing to give anymore. and even less motivation to have any relationship at all.

i love you but it still feels wrong.